If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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