so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
