those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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