i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
