I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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