Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
