I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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