I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
