R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
