im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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