and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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