I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
