i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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