i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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