I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
