my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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