Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
