I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
