there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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