dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
