Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
