you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
