You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
