oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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