I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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