Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
