So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
