Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
