Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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