so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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