I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
