you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Randomize
