Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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