if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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