Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
