My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
