Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
