Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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