I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
