Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
