Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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