I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
only you would photoshop your dick
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
