remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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