i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
