Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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