please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
