I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Sorry about my life...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
