Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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