Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
