her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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