New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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