The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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