Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
